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美国网民热议:中国妈妈为什么这么牛?


Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior?
译者:乔华莘     发布时间:2013-09-23     超过 0 位网友阅读

这是一篇中国妈妈的博客讲述了她自身对于教育子女的态度,而评论则是西方民众对该问题的观点。

【原文地址】:http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html?mod=WSJ_hp_LEFTTopStories

Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior?

中国妈妈为什么牛?

Can a regimen of no play dates, no TV, no computer games and hours of music practice create happy kids? And what happens when they fight back?

没有玩乐日,不准看电视,不准玩电子游戏,每天弹琴几小时,这种高压下的孩子快乐吗?如果他们反抗怎么办?

(蔡美儿和两个女儿,苏菲娅和露易莎)

中国妈妈为什么这么牛

By AMY CHUA 作者:蔡美儿

A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it's like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I've done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:

许多人奇怪中国父母怎么老培养出优秀的孩子,他们不明白这些父母的孩子怎么老是数学专家或者音乐天才。这些家庭里有什么秘密?这些秘密是不是可以效仿?这些问题我可以回答,因为我自己就做到了。下面是我的两个女儿,苏菲娅和露伊莎从来不允许做的一些事情:

? attend a sleepover 不在家过夜
? have a play date 参加玩乐日
? be in a school play 参演校园剧
? complain about not being in a school play 抱怨不能参演校园剧
? watch TV or play computer games 看电视,玩电脑游戏
? choose their own extracurricular activities 自己选择课外活动
? get any grade less than an A 功课不拿A
? not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama 任何一门功课不拿第一,除了体育和戏剧
? play any instrument other than the piano or violin 弹除了钢琴和小提琴以外的乐器
? not play the piano or violin.不弹钢琴或小提琴

I'm using the term "Chinese mother" loosely. I know some Korean, Indian, Jamaican, Irish and Ghanaian parents who qualify too. Conversely, I know some mothers of Chinese heritage, almost always born in the West, who are not Chinese mothers, by choice or otherwise. I'm also using the term "Western parents" loosely. Western parents come in all varieties.

我下面说的“中国妈妈”是广义的。我也认识一些韩国的、印度的、牙买加的、爱尔兰的和加纳的父母符合我说的条件。同样地,有些中国血统的妈妈,她们大都在西方出生,出于个人选择或者其他种种原因,不是“中国妈妈”。我下面说的“西方妈妈”也是泛指,西方的父母也是各种各样的。

All the same, even when Western parents think they're being strict, they usually don't come close to being Chinese mothers. For example, my Western friends who consider themselves strict make their children practice their instruments 30 minutes every day. An hour at most. For a Chinese mother, the first hour is the easy part. It's hours two and three that get tough.

几乎没有例外,一些自认为十分严格的西方父母,也和中国妈妈的做法相距甚远。比如,我一些自认自己对孩子很严的西方朋友最多让孩子一天练30分钟乐器。对于中国妈妈来说,一个小时算轻松的,两三个小时才算得上严。

Despite our squeamishness about cultural stereotypes, there are tons of studies out there showing marked and quantifiable differences between Chinese and Westerners when it comes to parenting. In one study of 50 Western American mothers and 48 Chinese immigrant mothers, almost 70% of the Western mothers said either that "stressing academic success is not good for children" or that "parents need to foster the idea that learning is fun." By contrast, roughly 0% of the Chinese mothers felt the same way. Instead, the vast majority of the Chinese mothers said that they believe their children can be "the best" students, that "academic achievement reflects successful parenting," and that if children did not excel at school then there was "a problem" and parents "were not doing their job." Other studies indicate that compared to Western parents, Chinese parents spend approximately 10 times as long every day drilling academic activities with their children. By contrast, Western kids are more likely to participate in sports teams.

我们都大可对自己的文化特征大惊小怪。但无数的研究分析表明,在父母之道上,中国和西方有显著及可以量化的区别。有一项针对50位美国妈妈和48位中国妈妈的研究显示70%的西方妈妈认为“强调学习成绩对孩子不好”,或者“父母应该培养学习是愉快的概念”。与此相对比,持同样观点的中国妈妈几乎是0%。绝大多数的中国妈妈说相信自己的孩子可以是“最好的”,“学习成绩显示了父母教育的成功”,如果孩子在学校不优秀,那父母有“问题”,他们“没做好自己的本分”。还有研究显示,与西方父母相比,中国父母每天花在培训孩子学习上的时间大约多十倍。而西方孩子更多参与体育运动。

What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up. But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at something—whether it's math, piano, pitching or ballet—he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.

中国家长认为,任何事情,如果做不好,就不会有意思。要做好,就得努力。孩子如果放任自流,都不会努力,所以不理会他们的喜好是很重要的。要做到这一点,父母必须很坚强,因为孩子会反抗。万事开头难,西方父母正是在开始阶段就放弃了。但如果方法恰当,中国式的教育可以带来良性循环。顽强的练习、练习、练习是达致完美的关键,当然美国式的教育中对死记硬背评价甚低。但如果孩子开始在某一方面出类拔萃,不管是数学、钢琴、写作还是芭蕾,他/她就会得到表扬、赞赏和满足感。于是信心建立,曾经无趣的活动变得有趣起来,然后父母又可以比较轻松地让孩子加倍努力。

Chinese parents can get away with things that Western parents can't. Once when I was young—maybe more than once—when I was extremely disrespectful to my mother, my father angrily called me "garbage" in our native Hokkien dialect. It worked really well. I felt terrible and deeply ashamed of what I had done. But it didn't damage my self-esteem or anything like that. I knew exactly how highly he thought of me. I didn't actually think I was worthless or feel like a piece of garbage.

中国父母会用一些西方父母不会用的招数。我小时候,可能不止一次,当我很不听妈妈话的时候,爸爸就会用我们家乡的福建话骂我是“垃圾”。这很有效。我当时很不好受,对自己的所作所为感到羞愧。这也没影响我的自尊或其它方面。我很清楚他对我的看法,我也不会觉得自己一无是处或者真就像垃圾一样。

As an adult, I once did the same thing to Sophia, calling her garbage in English when she acted extremely disrespectfully toward me. When I mentioned that I had done this at a dinner party, I was immediately ostracized. One guest named Marcy got so upset she broke down in tears and had to leave early. My friend Susan, the host, tried to rehabilitate me with the remaining guests.

长大后,我有一次也这么对待苏菲娅,那次她很厉害地顶撞我,我用英文骂她是垃圾。后来在一次晚宴上我提起自己曾经这么干过,立刻就被孤立了。有一个叫玛熙的客人忍无可忍,哭着提前离开。我的朋友,那天当主人的苏珊,整晚忙着修复我和其他客人的关系。

The fact is that Chinese parents can do things that would seem unimaginable—even legally actionable—to Westerners. Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, "Hey fatty—lose some weight." By contrast, Western parents have to tiptoe around the issue, talking in terms of "health" and never ever mentioning the f-word, and their kids still end up in therapy for eating disorders and negative self-image. (I also once heard a Western father toast his adult daughter by calling her "beautiful and incredibly competent." She later told me that made her feel like garbage.)

事实是中国父母的确能做出西方父母想都想不到的事情,当然是在法律许可的范围内。中国妈妈可以对女儿说:“胖妞,要减肥了。”而西方父母会小心翼翼地围绕着这个问题说半天,最多提提“健康”之类的话题,连“肥”这个字儿都不敢说。然后那些孩子最后还是因为暴饮暴食要接受治疗,还把自我形象全毁了。(我曾经听到一位西方父亲在酒席上夸自己成年的女儿“美丽能干”,那女人事后告诉我她觉得自己像垃圾。)

Chinese parents can order their kids to get straight  As.  Western parents can only ask their kids to try their best. Chinese parents can say, "You're lazy. All your classmates are getting ahead of you." By contrast, Western parents have to struggle with their own conflicted feelings about achievement, and try to persuade themselves that they're not disappointed about how their kids turned out.

中国父母可以命令自己的孩子全部都得拿A。西方父母只会要孩子们尽力而为。中国父母会说:“你太懒,你所有的同学都比你强。”而西方父母虽然心里也对孩子的成绩感到不是滋味,嘴上还得言不由衷地告诉孩子他们的成绩没让自己失望。

I've thought long and hard about how Chinese parents can get away with what they do. I think there are three big differences between the Chinese and Western parental mind-sets.

我也想过为什么中国父母会这么做。我觉得中国和西方父母的思维方式有三大区别。

First, I've noticed that Western parents are extremely anxious about their children's self-esteem. They worry about how their children will feel if they fail at something, and they constantly try to reassure their children about how good they are notwithstanding a mediocre performance on a test or at a recital. In other words, Western parents are concerned about their children's psyches. Chinese parents aren't. They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.

首先,我注意到西方父母队孩子的自尊特别在意。如果孩子事情没做好,他们担心的是孩子的感受,然后就不断告诉孩子他们其实很出色,即使孩子在考试和背书中的表现很一般。也就是说,西方父母特别关心孩子的心理。但中国父母不是,他们在意的是坚强,而不是脆弱,于是结果也截然不同。

For example, if a child comes home with an A-minus on a test, a Western parent will most likely praise the child. The Chinese mother will gasp in horror and ask what went wrong. If the child comes home with a B on the test, some Western parents will still praise the child. Other Western parents will sit their child down and express disapproval, but they will be careful not to make their child feel inadequate or insecure, and they will not call their child "stupid," "worthless" or "a disgrace." Privately, the Western parents may worry that their child does not test well or have aptitude in the subject or that there is something wrong with the curriculum and possibly the whole school. If the child's grades do not improve, they may eventually schedule a meeting with the school principal to challenge the way the subject is being taught or to call into question the teacher's credentials.

比如,如果孩子拿了个A-回家,西方父母大都会表扬孩子,而中国妈妈却会满脸惊恐,问哪儿错了。如果拿个B回来,部分西方父母还是会表扬孩子,而另一部分西方父母会和孩子坐下来,表达自己的不满意,但会很小心地不让孩子感到不安或者难受,他们绝不会骂孩子“笨”、“没用”或者“丢人”。内心里西方父母也担心孩子没考好,或者孩子对这门课的领悟不够,或者课程甚至学校有问题。如果孩子成绩不提高,父母最后大概会见一次校长,找找这门课教学的问题,甚至质疑任课老师的资质。

If a Chinese child gets a B—which would never happen—there would first be a screaming, hair-tearing explosion. The devastated Chinese mother would then get dozens, maybe hundreds of practice tests and work through them with her child for as long as it takes to get the grade up to an A.

如果中国孩子拿了个B回来,虽然这基本不可能,但首先会是一场夹杂着尖叫和怒发冲冠的大风暴。然后气急败坏的中国妈妈会找来几十份,甚至几百份练习卷,和孩子一起都做了,直到孩子拿个A回来。

Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them. If their child doesn't get them, the Chinese parent assumes it's because the child didn't work hard enough. That's why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it. (And when Chinese kids do excel, there is plenty of ego-inflating parental praise lavished in the privacy of the home.)

中国父母要求孩子拿高分,是因为他们相信孩子能做到。如果孩子没拿到,中国父母首先认为是孩子不够努力,所以成绩不好的解决方法总是斥责、惩罚和羞辱孩子。中国父母相信自己的孩子能够坚强地接受耻辱,然后提高成绩。(如果孩子成绩优秀,在家里父母会对孩子大加赞赏,甚至到让孩子自我膨胀的程度。)

Second, Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything. The reason for this is a little unclear, but it's probably a combination of Confucian filial piety and the fact that the parents have sacrificed and done so much for their children. (And it's true that Chinese mothers get in the trenches, putting in long grueling hours personally tutoring, training, interrogating and spying on their kids.) Anyway, the understanding is that Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud.

其次,中国父母认为孩子的一切都是欠父母的。这里面的原因还不是很清楚,但也许来自儒家的孝道和父母为孩子做出的牺牲和贡献。(中国妈妈们的确亲力亲为,长时间孜孜不倦地辅导、培训、盘问和监视自己的孩子。)无论如何,中国孩子必须穷尽一生,以服从和让父母引以为傲来回报父母。

By contrast, I don't think most Westerners have the same view of children being permanently indebted to their parents. My husband, Jed, actually has the opposite view. "Children don't choose their parents," he once said to me. "They don't even choose to be born. It's parents who foist life on their kids, so it's the parents' responsibility to provide for them. Kids don't owe their parents anything. Their duty will be to their own kids." This strikes me as a terrible deal for the Western parent.

而相对地,我觉得大多数西方人不会认为孩子永远亏欠父母。我丈夫杰德的观点就和我的正好相反:“孩子没有选择父母,”他曾对我说。“他们甚至没有选择出生。是父母把生命强加于他们的子女,所以供养子女是父母的责任。孩子不欠父母任何东西,他们的责任在他们自己的孩子身上。”听到这话我觉得西方父母太惨了。

Third, Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children's own desires and preferences. That's why Chinese daughters can't have boyfriends in high school and why Chinese kids can't go to sleep away camp. It's also why no Chinese kid would ever dare say to their mother, "I got a part in the school play! I'm Villager Number Six. I'll have to stay after school for rehearsal every day from 3:00 to 7:00, and I'll also need a ride on weekends." God help any Chinese kid who tried that one.

第三,中国父母认为自己清楚什么对孩子最好,因而会否决孩子的要求和喜好。所以中国女孩儿不能在中学交男朋友,中国孩子不能去野外露营过夜。中国孩子也不敢跟自己妈妈说:“我在校园剧里弄了个角色,我演路人甲;我每天3:00到7:00得在学校排练;我这周末要出去玩。”胆敢这么说的中国孩子,上帝保佑你们。

Don't get me wrong: It's not that Chinese parents don't care about their children. Just the opposite. They would give up anything for their children. It's just an entirely different parenting model.

不要误解:不是中国父母不关心自己的孩子,恰恰相反,他们可以为孩子放弃一切。只是父母之道的模式不同。

Here's a story in favor of coercion, Chinese-style. Lulu was about 7, still playing two instruments, and working on a piano piece called "The Little White Donkey" by the French composer Jacques Ibert. The piece is really cute—you can just imagine a little donkey ambling along a country road with its master—but it's also incredibly difficult for young players because the two hands have to keep schizophrenically different rhythms.

下面是个中国式强迫的正面例子。大概7岁的时候,学着两种乐器的露露在练一首叫“小白驴”的曲子,作者是法国人雅克·伊贝。这曲子很生动,可以让人想象到一头小毛驴跟着主人在乡间小路上漫步前行的情景。但对小孩子来说,这曲子非常难,因为需要两只手分别保持不同的节奏。

Lulu couldn't do it. We worked on it nonstop for a week, drilling each of her hands separately, over and over. But whenever we tried putting the hands together, one always morphed into the other, and everything fell apart. Finally, the day before her lesson, Lulu announced in exasperation that she was giving up and stomped off.

露露弹不下来。我们不停地练了一个礼拜,分手练,一次又一次,但一合起来,两手总是互相影响,然后整个曲子就散了。最后,在回课前一天,露露愤怒地跺脚宣布不练了。

 "Get back to the piano now," I ordered.
“马上回钢琴去,”我命令。

"You can't make me."
“你不能强迫我。”

"Oh yes, I can."
“当然可以。”

Back at the piano, Lulu made me pay. She punched, thrashed and kicked. She grabbed the music score and tore it to shreds. I taped the score back together and encased it in a plastic shield so that it could never be destroyed again. Then I hauled Lulu's dollhouse to the car and told her I'd donate it to the Salvation Army piece by piece if she didn't have "The Little White Donkey" perfect by the next day. When Lulu said, "I thought you were going to the Salvation Army, why are you still here?" I threatened her with no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas or Hanukkah presents, no birthday parties for two, three, four years. When she still kept playing it wrong, I told her she was purposely working herself into a frenzy because she was secretly afraid she couldn't do it. I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic.

回到钢琴上,露露开始发飚。她又踢又打,抓起乐谱撕烂。我把乐谱用透明胶粘好,然后套在透明塑料里,让她没法再撕。然后把露露的玩具屋拖到车里,说如果她第二天不把“小白驴”弹好,就一件一件地捐给救世军。露露说:“你去救世军啊,干嘛还站在这儿?”我威胁不让她吃午饭、晚饭,不给她买圣诞和光明节的礼物,两年、三年、四年不给她买生日礼物。然后她还是弹错,我说她是故意乱弹,因为她心里害怕自己弹不好。我要她别犯懒,别当胆小鬼,别放纵自己,别装可怜。

 Jed took me aside. He told me to stop insulting Lulu—which I wasn't even doing, I was just motivating her—and that he didn't think threatening Lulu was helpful. Also, he said, maybe Lulu really just couldn't do the technique—perhaps she didn't have the coordination yet—had I considered that possibility?

杰德把我拉到一边,让我不要在羞辱露露了,但我不觉得自己是在这么做。我只是在激励她。但杰德认为吓唬露露也没用,而且,他说,没准儿露露真的就掌握不了这个技巧,也许她协调性还不够,我考虑过这个可能性吗?

"You just don't believe in her," I accused.
“你就是不看好她,”我反唇相讥。

"That's ridiculous," Jed said scornfully. "Of course I do."
“胡说,”杰德有点恼了。“我当然看好她。”

"Sophia could play the piece when she was this age."
“苏菲娅在她的年纪会弹这曲子。”

"But Lulu and Sophia are different people," Jed pointed out.
“可露露和苏菲娅是不同的个体啊,”杰德说。

 "Oh no, not this," I said, rolling my eyes. "Everyone is special in their special own way," I mimicked sarcastically. "Even losers are special in their own special way. Well don't worry, you don't have to lift a finger. I'm willing to put in as long as it takes, and I'm happy to be the one hated. And you can be the one they adore because you make them pancakes and take them to Yankees games."

“别,别又来这套,”我翻着白眼说。“每个人都是特殊的个体哈?”我刻薄地模仿道。“失败者也有他们特殊的方式。别紧张,你不用出手。不管多久都我来,我无所谓当恶人。你做你的好人好了,给她们做煎饼,带她们去看棒球赛。”

I rolled up my sleeves and went back to Lulu. I used every weapon and tactic I could think of. We worked right through dinner into the night, and I wouldn't let Lulu get up, not for water, not even to go to the bathroom. The house became a war zone, and I lost my voice yelling, but still there seemed to be only negative progress, and even I began to have doubts.

我卷起袖子,回到露露身边。竭尽我能想到所有方法和策略,一直练到晚饭后的深夜,不让露露起身,不让喝水,不让上厕所。家里成了战场一样,我喊得喉咙都哑了,但还是不见起色,我自己都开始动摇了。

Then, out of the blue, Lulu did it. Her hands suddenly came together—her right and left hands each doing their own imperturbable thing—just like that.

就在这时,无缘无故地,露露弹下来了!她的双手突然配合好了,左右手都有条不紊了,就这么成了!

Lulu realized it the same time I did. I held my breath. She tried it tentatively again. Then she played it more confidently and faster, and still the rhythm held. A moment later, she was beaming.

露露也发现自己成功了。我屏住呼吸,她又马上试了一次,然后又更自信地弹快了一些,节奏还是很好。一会儿之后,她笑了。

"Mommy, look—it's easy!" After that, she wanted to play the piece over and over and wouldn't leave the piano. That night, she came to sleep in my bed, and we snuggled and hugged, cracking each other up. When she performed "The Little White Donkey" at a recital a few weeks later, parents came up to me and said, "What a perfect piece for Lulu—it's so spunky and so her."

“妈妈,看,真容易!”这以后她一次又一次地弹着,不愿意从钢琴上下来。那天夜里,她睡在我床上,我们依偎着抱在一起,说笑着。几个星期后她在一次演出中表演了“小白驴”,其他父母都过来跟我说:“露露弹得真好,她真棒!”

Even Jed gave me credit for that one. Western parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't.

杰德也为此给了我赞许。西方父母太在意孩子的自尊。但作为父母,让他们放弃是对他们自尊最大的伤害。另一方面,做到自己本来以为做不到的事情,是建立自信心最好方式。

There are all these new books out there portraying Asian mothers as scheming, callous, overdriven people indifferent to their kids' true interests. For their part, many Chinese secretly believe that they care more about their children and are willing to sacrifice much more for them than Westerners, who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly. I think it's a misunderstanding on both sides. All decent parents want to do what's best for their children. The Chinese just have a totally different idea of how to do that.

市面上很多书把亚洲妈妈描绘成狡猾、冷酷、虐待孩子,对孩子真正的兴趣无动于衷。但在中国人看来,他们比西方人更关心自己的孩子,愿意为孩子作出大得多的牺牲。而西方人似乎对自己的孩子变坏相当高兴。我觉得两方面都误解了对方。所有真正的父母都想为孩子做到最好,中国人只是在怎么做上思想完全不同。

Western parents try to respect their children's individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.

西方父母试图尊重孩子的个性,鼓励他们追求自己的激情,支持他们自己的选择,然后提供协助,营造环境。而中国人认为保护孩子的最好办法是帮他们准备未来,让他们看到自己的能力,赋予他们有关的技能、工作习惯和内心的自信,这是谁也夺不走的。

— Amy Chua is a professor at Yale Law School and author of "Day of Empire" and "World on Fire: How Exporting Free Market Democracy Breeds Ethnic Hatred and Global Instability." This essay is excerpted from "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua, to be published Tuesday by the Penguin Press, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Copyright ? 2011 by Amy Chua.

— 蔡美儿任职耶鲁法学院的教授,曾著《帝国之日》和《燃烧的世界:推行自由市场民主培养种族仇恨和全球不稳定》。本文摘自其下周二即将由企鹅出版社出版的《母老虎战歌》。



Bill Montei wrote:
This article makes me wonder about the rate of depression and suicide in cultures that promote this approach。

这篇文章让我怀疑推动这一方法的文化下的抑郁症和自杀的比率有多高。



Tiffany Wu wrote:
she just sounds so incredibly pretentious.
 
她的话听起来可真是够自鸣得意的。
 
I mean, it's enough that she has her own way of raising her kids and that she believes it's the irrevocably correct way, it's another thing to absolutely BASH on everyone else's ways. the "western way"?
 
我是说,她相信她自己的育儿之道正确无比就够了,但是把其他人的“西式方法”一棍子打死就是另外一码事了。
 
honey, SHOOT YOURSELF.
 
亲爱的,一枪干掉你自己吧。
 
and it's like, she's encouraging parents to value their own pride over their kids' happiness. It's great that her kids are doing fantastic now and have wonderful lives in front of them, but I truly believe that is because the author was just blessed with truly gifted kids. I don't believe that every child has the same threshold of ability, and one should adjust.
 
这简直就是,她的鼓动家长们把自身的面子看的比孩子们的快乐还重要。她的孩子们现在在他们面前表现如此出色并过的很开心这点真不错,但我也由衷的相信这一切都是因为作者幸运地拥有了真正具有天赋的孩子。我不认为每一个孩子都有具有相同的能力潜质,我们该认识到这一点。
 
And it's really like, could she not have done it any other way, been a little more lax? Awesome they have great careers ahead of them, but are they truly happy? I'm sure they were happy when they were little, when everyone one else in their classes were hanging out with friends outside of school.I'm sure they we're absolutely thrilled to have to turn down invitations time after time. I'm sure they were joyous when the invitations became less and less because the other kids realized they'd never rsvp "yes". I'm sure they're happy now being just a little social awkward because they lacked the experience from their younger years. I'm sure they really thank their mom for that.
 
而就真的好像是,她(除了严格要求)就别无他法一样,难道不能稍微放松些要求么?有个似锦的前程固然好,但是他们真的就开心了么?我保证她们小时候肯定很开心的不得了地看到班上的其孩子和朋友们在校外玩耍。我也敢保证他们无比兴奋地一次一次的谢绝别人的邀请。我还能保证他们欢欣跃雀地面对到其他孩子意识到他们根本无权回复“好的”后,邀请变得越来越少。我敢说他们现在肯定很开心成为了一个社交白痴,就因为他们早年缺乏了这方面的经验。我肯定他们会为此对他们的母亲感激涕零。
 
 As said above, it's like, just because YOU didn't have a childhood, doesn't mean your kids have to suffer as well.
 
就如上面所言,之所如如此,就是因为“你们”根本就没童年,但不意味着你们的孩子要和你们一样受罪。



Sundar Nilavar wrote:
It would be interesting to have their 'point of view 'from their daughters as human beings beside the rant of their mother throughout the article.
 
不去理会他们妈妈通篇的咆哮,从他们的女儿作为人的角度来看他们的“观点”会很有趣。
 
 where does being content,peaceful and happiness fit ,in the hard pursuit of being #1, success or wealth? Ironically one will realize (later mature adult life) that the former have NOTHING to do with the latter, once you have 'enough' ( between need and want).
 
什么才会让人满足呢?平静和幸福健康,还是苦苦的追求成为第一、成功和财富?讽刺的是人们(其后成年人的生活)认为一旦你拥有了“足够”必要(在必要和需要之间),那么前者和后者无关了。



Andrew Pohlmann wrote:
Right on!!!!! I can not believe the criticism of this article. Ok I would let my kids choose their own instrument but other than that we need more Chinese mothers like this one! This is the best case for opening up our boarders to immigration I have ever heard. Lets start with the Chinese mothers like this.

对极了!!!我不能相信这篇文章的批评。好啦,我愿意让我的孩子么选择他们自己的乐器,但除了这点我们需要更多的像这位一样的中国妈妈!这是我听到过的最好的来开放边境进行移民的最好例子了。我们从像这样的中国妈妈开始吧。



April Hu wrote:
I'm 18 years old, and a survivor of this type of parenting. What I've learned from all those nights spent crying, all those times thinking about reaching for a knife, all those moments paused in between the pages of a textbook thinking to myself, 'what am I doing with my life?' -- what I've learned is that this type of parenting either breaks a child or creates a child capable of enduring anything. I have a cousin one year younger than I am, and every time I look at her, I'm reminded of just how awful this type of parenting is.
 
我18岁了,是一个这样父母管制下的幸存者。从这些彻夜哭泣、这些想自杀的冲动中,在我停顿在教科书的书页之间反问“我究竟在干什么?”——我明白了这样类型的父母是不是毁了一个孩子就是培养出一个能忍受任何事情的孩子。我有个一比我小一岁的堂妹,每次我看到她,我都能想起这种类型的父母是多可怕。
 
We were born opposites. I was quiet, reserved, dull. She was bright, boisterous, imaginative, overflowing with life. Her parents suffocated that energy out of her. She has very little will of her own now; it's about what she can do to make her parents happy. She spends countless nights telling me that she wants them to shut up, to shut up, to shut up and stop hounding her. But she can't. They beat that rebellious streak right out of her. She spent months locked inside her house this year, taking practice tests after practice tests in anticipation of the SAT. Then more months filling college applications.
I haven't seen her in half a year. My own cousin, someone of my flesh and blood.
 
我们生来不同,我曾是个安静、缄默、迟钝的人,她对生活则充满阳光、活泼、充满想象力。她的父母将她的活力给压制了,她现在一点也不能自己做主,她能做的就是让她的父母高兴。她在无数夜谈中告诉我他想让他们闭嘴、闭嘴、闭嘴、不要再逼她。但是他不能。他们压制了她的反叛倾向。今年她将自己反锁在房中数月,
 
They broke her. I'm convinced. As much as her mother must love her, my cousin is broken. She's lost that spark she had way back from youth.
 
他们毁了她,我确定这点。尽管她妈妈很爱她,我的堂妹还是被毁了。她失去她青春时代应有的火花。
 
I was the one who survived. I survived with cracks in my psyche, splinters in my spine, and a remorseless mechanical voice that urges me to keep studying even in college, miles away from the parents who made me who I am. I survived because I fought back, bitterly. I survived because I learned to hit back, to scream back, to curse back until I didn't have a voice.
 
我曾经就是一个幸存者,我怀着受伤的心灵、破碎的自尊,在直到了大学依然督促我学习机械冷酷的声音下,远离塑造了我的父母千里之外而得以幸存。我幸存因为我怨恨的回击,我幸存因为我学会了反击、尖叫着反击、诅咒着反击之道我声嘶力竭。
 
I'm now a student at one of the HYPSM universities. My mother's first reaction was, "You gave our family name some glory." Glory. Something as intangible as perfection. My parents hit me when I was young. I remember my father flinging plates at me, bringing his fist down on my back. I remember my mother hitting me so hard, the imprint of her hand was left on my skin, like some sort of brand of shame. I remember my mother telling me that I'll never end up as anyone, just some nobody flipping burgers in McDonalds. I was called a pig. A fat pig. Worthless. Trash. Useless.
 
现在我成为了一名就读于常春藤大学的学生。我妈妈的第一反应就是“你为家族争光了”。结果好的无法言喻。我的父母小时候打我,我记得我爸爸用盘子砸我,用他的拳头捶我的背。我记得我妈妈打我打的很厉害,在我的皮肤上留下了她打的痕迹,就像某种耻辱的标签。我记得我妈妈告诉我我绝不能成为普通人,就像在麦当劳里无人问津的汉堡。我被骂做猪,一头肥猪、无能、垃圾、废物。

Ps:HYPSM: Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Stanford, MIT (哈佛 耶鲁 普林斯顿 斯坦福 麻省理工)

I was suicidal 5th grade. I was angry and furious in middle school. I've only just started to remember what being normal was like.
 
我曾在五年级自杀过,我在中学感到恼怒而愤慨。我才开始记得什么是正常。
 
It wasn't worth it. I might be successful in the future. I may be at a HYPSM school now, but it wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth those nights barricaded by my parents in the bathroom, where I cried until they let me out. It wasn't worth being pressured so much that I'd just snap, and my scarf would look like a noose. None of it was worth it. Not even those bright moments when I made my parents proud, and they'd clap me on the back and show me off to their friends at Asian parties.
 
我可能将来会很成够,但这根本不值得。我可能是常春藤学校的一员,但这根本不值得。这不能补偿那些被父母关在浴室的夜晚,在那里我哭喊着直到他们放我出去。这也不值得顶着巨大压力让我恨不得把围巾当做绳索去上吊。这些统统不值得。就算是这些我能让无父母骄傲的光辉时刻,能让他们拍着我的背向在亚洲人的聚会上向他们的朋友们炫耀。
 
I've finally beat that into their heads. I've argued so much, yelled so much, cried so much, but in the end, it was worth it just to have them change their minds. During Finals week, they sent me a card with money to buy me a cup of coffee at Starbucks. My mother called me and told me to treat myself to a pumpkin spice latte (my favorite), so I wouldn't overstress for my tests. My parents have realized that I know my path, that I will listen to their opinions, but that I will disregard them if I know they won't help me.
 
我最终还是改变了他们。我做了如此多的争论,如此多的喊叫、如此多的哭喊,但最后,还是很值得地改变了他们的想法。在期末考试周,他们邮寄给我一张卡,让我去星巴克买咖啡喝。我妈妈打电话给我,告诉我去买杯南瓜味的拿铁(我的心头爱),这样我就不会为我的测验过度紧张了。我的父母意识到我知道自己的道路,我也愿意倾听他们的意见,但如果我知道他们不会帮助到我的话,我还是会忽视他们。
 
What Amy Chua does that is unforgivable, I think, is that she has not learned like my parents did.
 
蔡美儿所作的是不可原谅的,我想,(那是因为)她没有明白我父母所明白的东西。
 
Trust in your child. Believe that they love you too much to let you down.
 
信任你的孩子。相信他们会因为太爱你而让你失望。
 
And watch as they bloom into the successful, happy, loving, -whole- person you've always wanted them to be.
 
看着他们成长为成功、快乐、懂得爱的健全的人,你总会想要这样的他们。
 
Learning that lesson late, in my opinion, is better than never learning at all.
 
我想,对这些明白的晚也要不从来根本就不明白的好。



Bryan Bower replied:
You, not Chua are the one to write a book to help others. Bless you.

你不是蔡美儿,你应该写本书去帮助别人。祝福你。



April Hu wrote:
Sorry for the repost.

真为你写的难过。

1. One must admit that criticism is at least somewhat a misconception, philosophically speaking. We should not read to understand, agree, or disagree with others, but rather do it to understand ourselves better and keep the thought machine at work.

1、从哲学的角度上说,必须承认批评在某种程度上至少是一个错误观念。我们不应该仅仅读懂内容、同意或者不同意别人,而是最好通过它来读懂自己并进行思考。

2. The polemic here is bringing up various thoughts, feelings, complexes, and many contradictory opinions. One should probably admit though that it typically takes a "colorful and flamboyant" (contrasting the majority) personality to incite such debates. Many people have been appalled by the arrogance of the article... However, arrogance is most of the time rooted in lack of security. Meanwhile, the lack of security does not regularly appall people, but creates totally different reactions. The issue with the superiority complex (that can also be sensed in this article) is that it is most likely a consequence of an underlying inferiority complex. The result is a compensatory behavior by acting "superior". Therefore, readers should probably not feel offended, but rather sorry for those who try so hard to compensate for things they feel they are lacking by going to extremes in other directions (such as the author of this article).

2、这里的争论引发了各种想法、感受、情结和很多对立的看法。我们还是应该承认它代表性的采取了一种“华美而炫耀”(对比多数人)的个人方式来煽动这场争论。很多人都为这篇文章中的自大而感到惊骇……无论如何,自大大部分时候是源于缺乏安全。同时,缺乏安全通畅不会让人们吃惊,但是会激发完全不容的反应。这篇文章带着无比的优越感(这点能在文中感到)很可能是一种潜在的自卑情结作用的结果。其结果就是一场“优越”的补偿心理秀。因此,读者们不必感到不适,而是该为这些努力掩盖缺憾而走上另一个极端的人们感到难过。

3. In very rare cases, does the arrogance have different roots. And in those circumstances people educated / raised in a "politically correct" society where things are not always said frankly will - indeed - have a hard time tolerating the straightforward approach coming from those who do not necessarily or always lack tact but rather consider it totally unnecessary in certain cases...

3、在极少数情况下,自大的原因的确不同。但在这种环境下被教育|养大的人们,在一个“政治正确”无法畅所欲言的社会中,的确很难适应那些直言不讳、无所顾忌的家伙们的直接方式。

4. And, let us be serious... nowadays most of us have a hard time in this society receiving parenting advice or criticism from parents and best friends. To have someone from a different culture stating it so bluntly that their approach is superior was not going to remain without attention. Well planned to steer up spirits and promote written materials that would otherwise remain obscured with the anonymity of their author.

4、让我们正视……当今在这个社会中我们中的大部分让你很难接受来自父母或者好友的建议或批评。看到不同文化背景的一些人如此直言他们的方式的优越很难不引人侧目。该好好的规划一下主旨精神、提升一下写作素材,否者就坚持匿名发表吧。



Will Jones wrote:
It's not so much that Chinese mothers are great. It's more that American mothers are terrible.

不是中国妈妈这么好,实在是美国妈妈很糟糕。

American women make horrible wives and mothers. Instead of staying at home and doing their job, they dump their children off at daycare. They then go out into the workforce, effectively contributing nothing. Women work at a cost to society. Why do you think we have unemployment? Why do you think the cost of living is so high? Why do you think we have childhood obesity? Why do you think marriages are so strained?

美国女人们是糟糕的妻子和母亲。她们不是呆在家里面而是出去工作,把她们的孩子扔给了日托。她们加入劳动队伍也没有实质的贡献什么。女人们工作就是消耗社会。你知道为什么我们会有失业?你知道为什么生活成本这么高?你知道为什么我们会有儿童肥胖现象?你知道为什么婚姻关系这么紧张?

For the American woman, the priorities are HERSELF first and foremost, then her job, then her children, and then, oh yeah, her husband. If things aren't working out for her, she'll make the entire situation completely unlivable. Eventually, she'll head to family court and engage the matriarchal divorce and child custody laws.

对美国女人而言,优先权就是“她自己”第一位最重要,其次是她的工作,再次是她的孩子们,最后,没错,才是她的丈夫。要是事情不合她意,她就会让整个家鸡犬不宁。最终,她会前往家庭法庭,运用保护妇女离婚权益和子女抚养权的法律(保护自己)。

Why would ANY man marry an American woman? Particularly one with a career?

为什么有男人愿意娶美国女人?尤其还是有事业的美国女人。

The USA has the worst women in the world, hands down. Stay single guys. Or, go overseas and get a real woman.

美国有世界上最糟糕的女人们,保持单身,或者去海外找个真正的女人都很容易。



Kim Eagles replied:
Generalizations like this are often inaccurate and rarely helpful. I don't know what Ms. Chua does from day to day but she is a pretty big idiot in her article. I'm sure all of those things are multi-faceted in cause.
 
这样概括通常是不准确的,也是没什么帮助的。我不知道蔡女士一天到晚做什么,但是在她的文章中她就是个大白痴。我确信这些事情是有多方面原因的。



TW F wrote:
There arn't many Asian American writers. Now with this book and the provocative title by WSJ, Child Protection Agencies all over the country are going to take away "abused" Chinese kids. Even if some writing are simply trying to be humorous, it did not work well. This is how stereotype works. Just hope this does not cause any hate crime against Asians. Thanks, Mrs. Chua and WSJ editor.

没有很多美籍华裔作家。现在在这本书和这个华尔街日报挑拨性的标题指引下,全国各地的儿童保护组织就要带走那些被“虐待”的中国孩子了。就算是某些桥段单纯为了展示幽默感,也没有起到啥好作用。这是何等陈词滥调的文章,只是希望别引起任何针对亚洲人的仇恨性犯罪。谢谢啦,蔡夫人还有华尔街日报的编辑。

I am Chinese and naturally know many Chinese parents. Most of their kids go to colleges but only very few get into Ivy Leagues. In last 30 years, I heard of only one parent acted like what the article says if I take it literally, not metaphorically. I know that father clearly has problem and singlehandedly damaged their marriage.

我是一名中国人,自然认识很多中国的父母们。他们的孩子大部分都上大学了,但是很少是进入常春藤学校的。非要我说的话,在过去30里就听说只有单亲家庭才像文章写的那样的,不是瞎说。我知道那个父显然是有问题并一手毁了他们的婚姻。

From what I read, Jey is a very patient husband. He knows how to act dumb, a very Chinese philosophy.

从我读到的能看出,杰是一个非常包容的丈夫。他知道如何装聋作哑,典型的中国智慧。



Jane L wrote:
I think the author meant to be a bit tongue in cheek when she wrote this article. I read it and laughed the whole way through. Like many things you read in the media, you probably can't take this too literally. As a Chinese American, this is how I was raised and as a child it was hard but as an adult I appreciate it because it's molded me as an individual in positive ways. But ultimately, this is only one reflection from a multitudinous culture.

我想作者写这篇文章的时候肯定是有点假心假意。我读的时候从头笑到尾。就像很多你在媒体上读到的东西一样,你不能对这个钻牛角尖。作为一名美籍华人,我就是这样被带大的,对一个孩子而言是惨了点,但是作为一个成年人我很感激这点,因为这把搜塑造成了一个积极向上的个体。但最根本地,这是只反应了多元文化的一个侧面。



Sarah Smith replied:

You laughed at reports of depriving a child of water to entice her to play piano?????

看到为了强迫孩子练琴而不给孩子水喝,你还能笑出来???



Bryan Bower replied:

Another satisfied member of the "Garbage" Gestapo.....

另一个合格的“盖世太保”分子,盖世太保……



 Yvan boniec wrote:
A complete joke. It has nothing to do with culture. I understand you are trying to gain some audience by making reference to cultural differences and norms. Culture is not a factor.

一个纯粹的玩笑。这和文化完全无关。我理解你试图制造有关文化的差异和标准来博取一些读者。文化不是一个原因。

What is being described here is the way Europeans were educated more than half a century ago. Even the younger generation of Europeans (e.g. those born in the 1970s) experienced the same : no TV after 8 p m, I had to learn playing an instrument and no sleepover, must get As....

这里所讲述的这些是欧洲人半个多世纪以前被教育的方式。即使是欧洲的较为年轻一代(比如出身在20世纪70年代的人)也经历过相同的事情:晚上八点以后不能看电视,我必须练习乐器不能外出过夜,必须诸如种种……

I believe the older generation of Americans received the same education more than half a century ago. The journalist is either too young to remember or too lazy to do some research.

我相信较为年长一代的美国人在半个多世纪以前也接受过同样的教育。这个新闻工作者不是太年轻没赶上就是太懒惰没调查。

Same for people who comment about the way Chinese educate their children. They educate their children the way Westerners were educated a few decades ago before liberal ideas took over in the late 1960s with mixed outcomes, as we observed today

对那些批评中国人育儿方式的人也一样。他们教育孩子方式是在十几年前文明理念在20世界60年代晚期灌入融合之前西方人实行的那一套,就像我们今天看到的。

The Chinese gose throught the same cycles as we do but with the a time lag: the next generation will be more liberal and tolerant than the previous one - just like Westerners. That again has nothing to do with culture.

中国人会有经历同样的过程只是要迟延一些:下一代将会比上一代更加民主和宽容——就像西方人。重申一遍这和文化无关。



monica l wrote:
I'm sorry, but is the writer of this article serious? I'm honestly in disbelief, I feel that it puts down mothers and children alike.
 
我很难过,但是这个文章的作者是认真的么?我真的无法相信,我觉得它把妈妈们和孩子们都丑化为一类了。
 
First of all, not all Chinese mothers are the same. Nor are all "Western" mothers.
 
首先,不是所有的中国妈妈都这样,也不是所有的“西方”妈妈都一样。
 
I am thankful that my parents did not raise me this way!
 
我真庆幸我的父母不是这样抚养我的!

They were strict and had very high expectations, but they also emphasized individuality and happiness.
 
他们是严格并高要求,但是他们也注重个人兴趣和幸福。
 
I am Chinese, and I really dislike the stereotype of "strict Asian parents." Perhaps there is some truth to the stereotype, but this article assumes all Chinese parents are the same, and exaggerates truths to the extreme.
 
我是中国人,我真不喜欢这种“严厉亚洲父母”这刻板看法。可能这种刻板看法中有一部分是真的,但是这篇文章假设全部中国父母都一个样,极度夸大了事实。
 
You can have high expectations for a child, without putting them down. You can emphasize certain things, such as academics, without forbidding sports or parties. Self esteem and individuality is important.
 
你可以对一个孩子保有很高的期待,而不去贬低他们。你可以强调某些东西,比如学术,不必禁止体育活动或是聚会娱乐。自尊和个性是很重要的。
 
True success is brought about by one's own motivations..
 
真正的成功会由个人自身的动力所成就……
 
If you have no motivation to work hard other than parental pressure, it is so easy to just give up when things get difficult, because there is no drive to keep going, no ultimate goal.
 
如果你只能在父母的逼迫下,而没有自身的动力去努力,当遇到困难就非常容易放弃,因为没有最终的目标和动力驱使你前进。



Emily Sricharoenchaikit wrote:
This is the 3141st comment to be posted.
 
这是第3141个被发表的评论了。
 
To those that criticized Amy for using this article as a marketing ploy for her book: Congratulations on being correct, and for marketing her book. I'm sure Amy sends her thanks.
 
对那些批评美儿用这篇文章作为她新书的销售手段的评论,我想说:对于推介她的书,祝贺是正确的。我确信美儿会表达她的感谢。



Britton Nyce wrote:
This is such a childish cycle. She doesn't have a childhood so her kids can't have one either. Very mature lady.

这是个如此幼稚的因果循环。她没有童年所以她的孩子们也不能有童年。非常成熟的女士。



Maggie Willis wrote:
That is really too bad. :(

这可真糟糕。

I would think that colleges would welcome that sort of diversity. It would certainly make students stand out from the other thousands of applicants who play violin or piano.

我猜想大学可能欢迎这种多项化吧。那些会演奏小提起或者钢琴的学生肯定会从其他上千申请者中脱颖而出吧。

As a big fan of Japanese and Chinese classical music, I think America could do with an infusion of classical styles from other cultures.

作为日本和中国古典乐的超级粉丝,我想美国可以吸收一些别种文化的传统风格的东西吧。



Apratim Sarkar wrote:
Joseph, I am sure it will be a challenge. Perhaps I should start doing my kegels every morning before it is too late.

约瑟夫,我确信这将是个挑战。也许我该趁着没有太晚之前,每天早上开始继续我的凯格尔健肌法。

ps:凯格尔健肌法(指妇女轮番紧缩放松阴部肌肉之法,以利于分娩中将婴儿顺利产出)

Mary, Studying world history is a must. But navel gazing about ones past life in ones deathbed? Waste of time.

玛丽,学习世界史是必要的。但在临终之时才回顾过去,浪费时间。(这句是我猜测的)

Sarah, I actually disagree with most of Prof. Chua's methodology. But I strongly advocate her high goal settings and focus on persistence. I just prefer to bribe instead of threaten.

萨沙,我其实对蔡教授的大部分方法不同意。但是我强烈提倡她的高标准和专注于坚持这点。我只是更加倾向贿赂而不是恐吓。



Cixin Zhang replied:
I don't think most of us would disagree with her values on high goal settings and persistence. Those are good, solid values, but they can be infused in different ways, often notably through great failure.

我不认为他们中的大多数会不同意她关于高标准和毅力的观点。这些都是良好的

一贯的品质,但是我们可以通过不同方法加以灌输,通常明显地通过巨大挫折。



Apratim Sarkar replied:
Now that's where I differ. I am not a big fan of training by failure. Consider this - if you touch a hot plate your hand will burn. Should a toddler be encouraged to learn this through experimentation?

现在我在点上有所保留。我对通过挫折进行训练的方法有所保留。想想看假如你如果碰到了电热炉你的手会被灼伤。应该鼓励一个幼童通过实践明白这点么?



Sarah Smith replied:
Yup bribing is one way. There are many ways, but infusing expectations with humanity and integrity is the most effective.

没错,贿赂是一种办法。这还有很多办法,但是用人性和诚实的办法灌输期望是最有效的。



Apratim Sarkar replied:
What does that mean? To me, it seems like a set of generalities without any concrete steps behind it.

这是什么意思呢?对我来说,这听起来就是一套没有任何实际措施的空理论。



Kim Eagles replied:
You can also line up for Ms Chua's next book "Molding your child's behavior through fear and loathing". Apratim Sarkar the person you can't take seriously will be first in line.

你也可以排队去买蔡女士的新书《通过恐惧和嫌恶来塑造你孩子的行为》。Apratim Sarkar这个你不能认真对待的人会成为首屈一指的人物。



Apratim Sarkar replied:
Kim, I think you are very angry with me, so let me apologize for making you angry. It was not my intention. I was just stating my opinions.

凯姆,我想你对我有意见,所以我为惹你生气而道歉,我不是有意的,我只是想说明我的观点。



Kim Eagles replied:
@Apartim - Yawn...you not making me angry. You are boring though. I suppose on one level I expect something useful to come from your constant chatter. But it's just more "rah rah" no element of self-examination. No real understanding of logic and still craptacular math....and no attempt at self-correction. So you trundle along happily deceiving yourself and others with zero conscience. I suppose I could be angry at that. But why? Mockery is just as good.

Apratim ……(打哈欠)……你没惹到我,不过你很让人厌烦。我希望在某种程度上能从你那喋喋不休中倒出点有用的东西。但是只是更多的“好啊,万岁”根本没有半点自省。没有真正了解逻辑但还运算数学…而没有自我修正的尝试。所以你快乐的在欺骗别人和自己的两头来回滚动,没有半点道德。我想我可能为这个感到气愤?还是嘲笑的好。



Chris Smith wrote:
The writer of this article is completely setting up her children for failure. Unfortunately, true success in American culture is dependent upon relationships and networking as well as knowing how to work with and persuade different personality types. It's also about know how to sell and market. Her children will make great "dogs" for someone to employ. I would love to have someone who follows orders and works so diligently work for me. I'm sure her girls will make great employees one day!

这篇文章的作者完全的将她的孩子引向了失败。很不幸的是在美国文化中真正的成功取决于人际交往和社会关系,以及和不同类型的人如何合作和说服他们。她的孩子们会成为一些人雇佣的优秀的“狗”。我就很喜欢那些服从命令并为我勤勉工作的人。我坚信她的女孩们终有一天会成为优秀的雇员。

Also, one needs to define true success. Isn't success also about having happy and healthy relationships, being at peace with yourself, enjoying a walk in the woods, on the beach, etc. Is it really all about being the smartest or the most talented? Sounds shallow to me.

此外,一个人需要定义真正的成功。成功难道不也是拥有快乐和健康的人际关系,保持内心的平静,享受在林中、在海滩等地方的漫步么?真的只成为最聪明或者最有天赋才算成功么?我听着真觉得肤浅。



Vicky Wu replied:
she didn't mention that her daughters follow everyone's orders though. much like us soldiers don't necessarily follow orders from a german general.

但是她没提到她的女儿们遵从每个人的命令。特别像是我们的士兵没必要遵从一位德国将军的命令。



Apratim Sarkar replied:
Speaking of relationships, Asian Americans have very low divorce rates (but only if both in the relationship are Asian). I never really got the charm of walking in the woods or on the beach, but to each his own. Finally, it is a bit presumptuous to assume that high achievers are not at peace with themselves.

说到人际关系,美籍华人们有着非常低的离婚率(但只有双方都是亚洲人情况下)。我从来就没觉得在树林或者海滩散步有什么好的,但萝卜青菜各有所爱。最后,假设具有大成就的人不能获得内心安宁是有点专断的。



shaohua hu wrote:
Prof. Chua’s no-no list sounds almost unreasonable in today’s America. Reflecting on my childhood in China, I found the list almost totally inapplicable. I had a normal and happy childhood amid the Cultural Revolution, when China was very poor and radical. Since everybody had the similar standard, I never felt poor or even felt oppressed. All I had to avoid is to say, “Down with Chairman Mao.” My parents were caring and kind, but they never said “I love you.” I could not remember their hugging me, and they barely praised me, but often cautioned me to be careful. I did not even have chance to talk with my father that much. We barely got gifts. We might get some new cloth on Chinese New Year. If you asked me one specific action of love, I would say that they picked a piece of lean meat, which was hard to come by, and put it in my rice bowl. But even today I felt their love. It is their unquestionable love that made me secure, confident and responsible.

在当今美国,蔡教授的禁止清单听起来几乎是不切实际的。反观我在中国的童年,我发现这个清单完全不可行。在文化大革命中我拥有一个正常而快乐的童年,那个时候中国非常的穷苦而激进。因为每个人都在一个水平线上,我从未感到贫穷或者甚至是受压迫。我不能做的事情就是说“打到毛主席”。我父母对我很照顾而且善良,但是他们从未说过“我爱你”。我不记得他们拥抱过我,他们几乎也没表扬过我,但是他们常叫我万事小心。我甚至都没有什么机会和父亲多散散步。我们几乎没得到过什么礼物。在春节的时候我们可能得到一些新衣服。如果你要我说一个爱的细节,那么他们夹起一片来之不易的瘦肉放到我碗里的米饭上便是了。但是时至今日我我还感到他们的爱,是他们实实在在的爱让我可靠、自信和有责任心。

Here are my behaviors, which was not unusual in my time, especially in a small town, but is very unusual in today’s China. I never heard about a sleepover. We played all the time, but did not know there was something called “appointment.” I was not in a school play, and did envy those who had talents and luck. I never watched TV before I entered college, not because I was disciplined, but because there was none. In fact the first TV I bought was a second-hand 9-inch-black & white and I bought it after I graduated from college, and I played computer games, such as solitaire, occasionally when I was a graduate student. I did not choose my own extracurricular activities, but played balls if we could borrow from our schools and enjoyed reading, although the books were unimpressive in quantity and quality. I got all kinds of grades. I was not the No. 1 student in any subject. But somehow I managed to score among the top ten in my province during the annual national entrance exam. I learned how to play the Chinese flute, very badly because that was the only instrument I could afford. I did not have chance to play the piano or violin. In fact I never saw a piano before I attended college.

这就是我行为,在我时代是不寻常的,尤其是在一个小城镇,但是在当今中国就更不寻常了。我从未听说过什么在外过夜。我们总在一起玩,但是不知道有叫做“约会”这么种东西。我在学校不玩耍,而且也的确妒忌过那些有才华有运气的家伙们。在上学之前我从未看过电视。事实上我买的第一台电视一个二手九英寸黑白电视,而且还是我大学毕业后买的。我开始偶尔玩诸如纸牌这类电脑游戏时候我已经上研究生了。我没有选择过我的课外活动,但是要是我梦能从我们的学校借到球的话,我们就打球,而且我喜爱读书,尽管这些书在数量上和质量上都不尽如人意。我得到过各种各样的成绩,在任何科目上我都不是第一的学生。但不知道为什么,我在每年举行全国入学考试中我能设法取得本省前十名的成绩。我学习过如何演奏中国长笛,十分了得,因为这是我唯一能买得起的乐器。我不曾有机会演奏钢琴或者小提琴。实际上我进入大学之前根本没看到过钢琴。

If I have a point to make, that is: there are different ways of life in this world. Occasionally we have choice, but most of the time we have no choice. We should not impose our ways of doing things on others, even if our ways, be it American, Chinese, or Martian, are better by objective standards. For me, this is the true spirit of American ideals.

假若我能学习钢琴的话,就是说:在这个世界上存在不容的生活道路。有时候我们有选择,但更多的时候我们别无选择。我们不应该把我们的做事的方式强加给别人,无论我们的方法是美国的、中国的或是火星的,最好由客观的标准判断优劣。对我来说,这就是美国理想的真正精神。



Vicky Wu replied:
she should definitely remove sports from the no-no list. i would've liked yao ming as a son。
 
她绝对应该把体育运动从禁止名单上划掉,我真想让姚明成为儿子啊。



Robert Cook wrote:
As an American that married a Chinese Girl and has witnessed this kind of parenting on a daily basis, I have seen the kind of damage it can cause in a child. It is my belief that it does cause children to have very low self-esteem, and a lack of creativity. It may be that the author's daughter can play the piece of music perfectly, but can she create a piece of music, or invent something?

做为娶了中国女孩的美国人,每天都能见到这种育儿行为,我也看到过它对一个孩子所带来的伤害。我相信这确实能损害孩子们的自尊心并丧失创造力。可能作者的女儿确实能完美的弹奏一段曲子,但是她能创造一段曲子或者发明什么东西么?

It's my belief (from experience) that this kind of parenting comes out of low self-esteem and control issues in the parent. Living your life through your child is what it's about for these type of Chinese mothers. However, I believe, teaching a child to stick with something and not give up has merit. From my experience, finding a good middle ground with a combination of both parenting styles is the way to go. It's not bad to teach a child to be determined and strive for excellence, on the other hand it's also good to raise a child that can think and create.

我确信(从经验上看)这种父母的育儿行为会产生低自卑和管理问题。指望孩子来度过自己人生这就是典型的中国母亲。无论如何,我相信交给孩子们对某些东西的执着并不轻言放弃是值得的。从我的经验上看,找到一个两种育儿方式结合的一个平衡的中间地带是很好的办法。教给一个孩子服从并争取优秀不是坏事,另一方面培养孩子的思考和创新能力也是好事。

I have a lot of experience with Asian cultures, and I believe there is merit to both parenting methods. Seek the middle ground and take the best parts of both methods. I believe that's what we used to do in America. We need to get back to installing in our children a work ethic, honesty, creativity, and excellence. That's what made America great!

我对亚洲文化很有经验,并且两种育儿理念各有优点。寻找平衡并吸取两种理念的长处,我想这就是我们在美国曾经所作的事情。我们需要给我们的孩子植入职业道德、诚信、创新和精益求精的精神,就是这些成就了美国的伟大!



Vicky Wu replied:
sounds like you and your wife can deploy some kind of good-cop/bad-cop strategy.

听起来你和你的妻子能够开展那种红脸vs白脸的策略。



Robert Cook replied:
Sometimes, it's also my job to go in a clean up the damage. I often worry about what kind of relationship she will have with our kids after they are adults. The problem with this kind of parenting is, it doesn't stop even after the children are grown up.

有时候,抚平伤害也是我的工作。我时常担心孩子们都成年后,她将会和我们的孩子们有一种什么样的关系。这种育儿行为所产生的问题是,即使在孩子们长大后这种方式也不会改变。



Vicky Wu replied:
i know a couple uses the strategy very well. mom (not a chinese) maintains authoritative figure for disciplines and dad a rescuer when necessary. girls try hard to please mom but find comfort with dad. they turn out wonderful in eq+iq. mom is never physically abusive though. best wishes to next generations everywhere.

我认识一对夫妇运用这种策略非常成功。妈妈(不是中国人)扮演了维持纪律的权威角色,而爸爸则是关键时刻救火的,女孩们努力取悦妈妈却和爸爸相处愉快。他们在情商+智商方面表现出色。但妈妈从不进行体罚。为天下的下一代们送上最美好的祝福。。



Sarah Smith wrote:
On Children
Kahlil Gibran

《论儿童》——卡里.纪伯伦

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

你们的孩子,都不是你们的孩子,
乃是“生命”为自己所渴望的儿女。
他们是借你们而来,却不是从你们而来,
他们虽和你们同在,却不属于你们。
你们可以给他们以爱,却不可给他们以思想,
因为他们有自己的思想。
你们可以荫庇他们的身体,却不能荫庇他们的灵魂,
因为他们的灵魂,是住在“明日”的宅中,那是你们在梦中也不能想见的。
你们可以努力去模仿他们,却不能使他们来象你们,
因为生命是不倒行的,也不与“昨日”一同停留。
你们是弓,你们的孩子是从弦上发出的生命的箭矢。
那射者在无穷之中看定了目标,也用神力将你们引满,使他的箭矢迅疾而遥远地射了出去。
让你们在射者手中的“弯曲”成为喜乐吧;
因为他爱那飞出的箭,也爱了那静止的弓。

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